Here’s the thing about blogging that I’ve realized this week. Blogging doesn’t necessarily paint an accurate picture of me. Even though my goal is to be transparent, and in my transparency I often share things that are painful, I still choose what and when to share.
So if the only interaction you ever have with me is from what you read in my blog or what you hear me say on-air then the picture you will have of me will not be an accurate representation of who I really am. If, on the other hand, you happen to live in my house, share a workspace with me, or be a certain fake redhead who just won’t let me hide behind my filter, then the odds are good that you know me.
Take the last nine days of my life for example. There have been no blog updates and very few facebook updates. Why? Because I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on in my head. Why? Because I can’t even make sense of what’s going on in my head. And it’s not even that things are bad. I’m not depressed. I’m not stressed. I’m not overwhelmed, or mad, or in despair. I’m just blah. And I hate blah. Blah is not me. I’m deep. Passionate. A bit crazy even. But lately I’m just… “whatever”.
So, I’ve been avoiding you. Not just you, but everyone. I’ve been quiet. Withdrawn. Pulled back. Stand-offish. Even with God.
I keep thinking “I need to blog”. But then I realize I have nothing to say. So I don’t.
I still don’t have anything to say, except this…
I want to be real.
I want to be fully alive.
I want to embrace life and love without measure.
Right now my “want” and my “am” are not lining up. Right now I am needy. Right now I am tired. Right now I am living in the fog. But I will not stay here. He is calling to me. Reawakening me. Wooing me.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go and meet with God? These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. Psalm 42
Let it be so with me, Lord. Let it be.